Fucking hard. Full stop.

Deciding to be a single mom alone was hard. Seeing multiple negative pregnancy tests from IUI was hard. Moving to IVF with hormones and needles that made it difficult to walk was hard. Pregnancy was hard. Birth nearly killed me, literally. But the thing that’s been the hardest?

The. First. Three. Months.

Guys, wow. You really can’t describe the feeling of bringing home a brand new life for the first time. For me, the first week was just a wash because I was in the hospital with nurses bringing me my baby as I slowly hemorrhaged. While I started breastfeeding two hours after my traumatic birth, a lot of those first days are a blur of pain killers, blood transfusions, fear, and surgery. 

So I’ll start counting from week two. When I brought my baby home, I realized quickly I wasn’t even strong enough to put him in and pick him up from the bassinet. Because of that, my baby slept beside me in my bed from the first night. He was on a baby pillow contraption that kept this body contained and I curled around him, wondering how I would do it all by myself.

In the days that followed, I had a hard time climbing the stairs with him in my arms. Luckily my family was there when I needed them most. My parents made sure I was fed for the first month I was out of the hospital. I spent most of my days in my bedroom because it hurt to move and my baby just slept for most of the day. Ah bliss.

By week three things were changing. My sleepy baby was becoming a little demon. Most likely the painkillers I’d been on since his birth were wearing off and also his digestion system was starting up. Because that’s a thing. Little babies are used to getting everything from the womb so once their bodies need to start working, they often experience pain.

I tried everything. The Windi (gross, ppl. So gross.). Gripe water (freaking scary, avoid at all costs). Baby probiotic drops BioGaia (I mean… if they helped it was hard to tell. Maybe?). Because I thought the pain noises my baby was making were gas.

I will never know if that was true or not.

By week four and five, I wondered if it was being hungry more than gas. At this point we were sleeping by the minute. Literally. I got to the point where my child was sleeping 2 minutes then waking up screaming for 5 minutes then sleeping and on the cycling would go. And I’d nod in and out as he did because I was that tired. Sleep deprivation is real people.

And mommas, I wanted to run. I was the only parent this kid had and I was ready to put him out in a box by the side of the road with a “free to a good home” sign on him. Geez. It was awful. So. Freaking. Awful.

I couldn’t sleep. I wouldn’t have been able to eat without my family ensuring I did. My kid screamed for hours at bedtime and woke every few minutes after. I was hanging by a thread. So what made any of it better?

Things that made the first three months easier

Luckily, I found a few things that saved my sanity and let me enjoy my baby again. If you’re at your wits end, give these a go.

1. Selenium: I started taking Selenium supplements after hearing a doula recommend them and man did it make a difference for me. On the days I took it, I was able to function and see the light at the end of the tunnel. On the days I didn’t I struggled with not wanting to be a mom. I credit Selenium with avoiding Postpartum Depression for me. As always, talk to your healthcare provider before taking any supplements. I don’t know the science of why this worked. Just that it did for me.

2. The Snoo: Ok if you don’t know what this is, it’s a robotic smart bassinet that cycles through 5 levels of motion and sound to soothe your baby back to sleep when he fusses. They say you get an extra hour or two of sleep a night and I would have done anything for that.

   A word of caution about the Snoo, it’s really expensive to buy and I don’t think worth it full price. However, it is worth it as a rental, which is what I did. I found someone online renting it in my area and booked 3 months. That was all I needed. It was a game changer for us. Within three days my kid was sleeping at least an hour at a time if not more.

3. Extra bottle of milk: I started giving my son an extra 2-3 oz at night before bed and that made a large difference in our nights as well. I wonder if what I had mistaken as gas was actually hunger. The bottle also helped him stay asleep longer once he fell asleep (which was still a battle, don’t get me wrong).

4. Spinning galaxy light: I got a cheap galaxy light spinner on Amazon that projected stars and moons on the ceiling. It has various colour settings but one was pure red light. When my son was inconsolable, I’d turn it on for about 15 minutes on the red light setting and often it was enough to distract him and calm him down. In time, it would even put him to sleep when nothing else worked.

5. The 5 Bs of bedtime: I started a routine as early as I could and that helped end the day without a tantrum. My 5 Bs were bath, bottle, book, breast, bed. The whole process took about an hour and by the end of it, my kiddo was primed for bedtime. Note, I was feeding to sleep under 4 months.

Things others can do to help single moms

Along with what helped us get more sleep which was the crux of the first three months, there are some things I was very grateful for. They included:

1. Food: If you’re going to visit a single mom, bring food. Almost all my guests brought things for me to eat and I cannot tell you how grateful I was for that. You eat a ton breastfeeding but you’re also more house bound as you recover so groceries are hard.

2. Company: It was great to have people visit. Not just to see other adults but also to hand the baby off to someone else for a while. Big help.

3. Extra hands: If you’re lucky enough to live with family during this time, ask for help with bath time. I found my anxiety was highest around slippery babies and water so it was nice to have someone else there to hold the baby upright while I washed him or poured water over him.

4. Singing: Babies love music. If anyone in your life is musical, bring them on over. Also learn a few Disney songs to whip out when your baby is fussy. They always seem to work.

At the end of the day, the first three months are brutal and there’s not a lot anyone can do to help you. You’re figuring out breastfeeding, pumping to increase your supply, dealing with sleep deprivation and a screaming infant, and learning how to be a mom. It’s not for the faint of heart.

But it’s also the most adorable time with your child. They’ll never be this small or vulnerable again. And sometimes you just look down at them and think, “You changed my whole world.”

And for me at least, it was definitely for the better.