The Solo Mama Method: Sleep training without the tears (0-4 months)
Photo by Minnie Zhou on Unsplash
Sleep training. The words conjure fear in the hearts of every parent. Thing is, nothing is more important than sleep when you have a new baby. It becomes the centre of your very existence. You think about it, talk about it, track it obsessively, and try to do anything and everything to extend it if you can.
When you’re a mom alone, you’re already a pair of hands down which makes sleep even more important. It gives you the time to do that load of laundry or meal prep while you can. And best of all, if your baby sleeps, you can sleep which means you have more energy to invest back into your waking hours.
When I wasn’t getting enough sleep, everything seemed impossible. When I got a couple extra hours, I could see the joy in being a mom again. Sleep matters to every mama, but when you’re on duty 24/7 as the only parent, it’s even more crucial.
It felt like I read everything there was to know about sleep and sleep training. And I was left with a question. Isn’t there a better way? Most of these methods and recommendations are very old. Our parents turned to Ferber so is it really possible nothing better has come along since? With all our technological advances and modern baby gadgets, is there not a way to use tools over tears?
So here’s what I decided to do as a solo mama. I’ll lay out my steps and the gadgets I used to support them in place of that extra pair of hands I didn’t have. My baby at 5 months sleeps in 5-6 hours stretches which was achieved with very minimal tears and no cry it out whatsoever.
0-3 months: Time to Snoo
Lol no, there is nothing you can really do at this age but pray. Buckle in and try to survive newborn sleep hell. There is no such thing as sleep training this young because newborns need what they need when they need it. They are trying to adjust to their brave new world and you are their source of comfort, food, and safety. If your baby cries, go to them immediately no matter what. Do not try to use any sleep training methods this early. Formal sleep training shouldn’t be done before 4-6 months. Yes, that might mean functioning on two hours of broken sleep a night, but hey, it’s what we signed up for right?
That being said, there is a tool you can use to help keep your sanity.
Tool to try: The Snoo is a smart bassinet which rocks your baby while they sleep and ramps the movement up or down as needed when they fuss. It’s designed for babies 0-6 months old and comes with built in white noise as well. The thing is, it’s ridiculously expensive so if you can, try and find a rental. I got mine through Facebook Marketplace and used it from 1-4 months before my son grew out of it.
The Snoo says you can get an extra 1-2 hours of sleep a night and boy did it deliver. During the first month my son was sleeping in 30-45 minute increments if I was lucky. I’m not sure if he had colic, but boy did it seem that way. But after 3 days in the Snoo, he was sleeping in 2 hour blocks. By 3 months it was 4-5 hour blocks.
The Snoo is a type of very gentle sleep training in that it teaches your baby to sleep in longer stretches. I believe these building blocks in the early months helped pave the way when I did more formal methods later.
That said, I’m not sure I would advise using it in the first month despite what the website says. I found the upper levels of movement too fast for my little one. Plus that first month my son was facing digestion issues and gas problems so we co-slept so I could be closer to him when he needed me. Which was ALL THE TIME. We started the Snoo at 5 weeks when I was desperate for a solution to help both of us sleep better.
Tool to try: One tip to try whether you’re using a Snoo or not is a hot water bottle. If you are using a bassinet and your baby is fighting sleep, put a hot water bottle in there for 5 minutes before baby will be going down. It will warm up the space so that when you lay your baby in it (after removing the hot water bottle) the transition from warm arms to bassinet is less shocking.
Tool to try: Another tip is if your baby gets into inconsolable crying spurts, especially around bedtime, get a galaxy/star projector for their sleep space. I used this cheap one on Amazon. When nothing else worked, I’d turn on the red light star setting (red light is better for sleepy time) and let the stars spin for 5-15 minutes as needed. Often that was enough to calm my baby down and sometimes even put him to sleep.
3-4 months: All about those naps
You shouldn’t sleep train before 4 months at the earliest. That said, you can start building stronger sleep habits young. In the first month or two, naps are erratic and you gotta do that you gotta do. Around 2.5-3 months, you should notice nap patterns starting to form. I recommend using an app to track baby’s sleep cycles so you can get a sense of how long your baby stays awake before they need a nap. It will likely be around 45-90 minutes with a 30-90 minute nap to follow. Rinse and repeat.
Once you understand the pattern, you can anticipate putting them down for a nap before they get too overtired and you get into a crying match with them. Build a nap routine where you take the baby to their dark sleep space around the end of their wake window, change them, get them into their swaddle/Merlin/sleep sack, and feed them to sleep (if you’re still doing so. I certainly was.). Once they’re asleep, make sure the white noise machine is going and transfer to their bassinet.
Remember, under 5 months there’s no such thing a short nap. 30 minutes is totally normal until they’re old enough to start bridging their sleep cycles on their own.
Tool to try: Use a baby tracking app. I like Huckleberry for sleep. It’s easy to use and let’s you uncover patterns to use with your little one to help them get naps at the right time before they’re too overtired.
Contact naps
Everyone loves a snuggly baby. Contact naps are delightful and adorable and you feel so connected. If you’re not ready to give them up, that’s ok. But if you can, around 3 months it’s good to get your baby used to sleeping in one space – the bassinet or whenever they are doing their nights.
Start with cutting back to one contact nap a day and the rest in their bassinet. Then when you’re ready, do all naps there. My son decided he liked his bassinet sleep more than contact naps by about 4 months and would fuss if I tried to get him to sleep on me. It was a blow to lose those naps, not going to lie, but it did strengthen his healthy sleep habits and get him used to a more stable routine.
Bedtime tips
You’ll find when babies are younger bedtime is late. Often my son was going down around 9:30-10 pm for his night sleep in the early weeks. Newborn nights can even begin around 11 pm. So keep that in mind when timing naps. They will probably have a late one in the evenings before going down for a longer sleep stretch.
By 3-4 months, that drops down to bedtime begin around 7-8pm. Much like with naps, now is a great time to start building a bedtime routine. I used the 5 Bs of bedtime: bath, bottle, book, breast, bed. After 4 months I moved the bottle before the bath as well to cut down on feeding to sleep.
Tools to try: Bottles. Even if your baby is breastfed, giving them a top up bottle in the evening can help keep their tummy full for a longer sleep stretch. Try pumping enough to give them 2 oz at night. Pro-tip, the time of day you pump matters. If you’re giving your baby morning milk at night, they might get hyper rather than sleepy. If you’re pumping through the night, give that milk at bedtime as it has a higher concentration of Melatonin in it.
The first 4 months can be rough
There’s no denying getting a handle on sleep is a challenge. From deciding when to stop contact naps, to nursing to sleep, to broken nights, there’s a lot going on. And just wait till that 4 month sleep regression hits! But keep trying, mamas. If you can get on top of sleep, life gets so much easier for everyone involved. Be patient and take things one night at a time.
Looking for more sleep tips beyond 4 months? Check out part two of this blog!