Cute, kind, funny, Huston we have a problem.   

What’s a girl to do when she’s got a plan in action and the universe drops a great guy in her path? The decision to take a break from your fertility plan, or hell even go back into the dating pool, is one a lot of women face and a dilemma I hit as well.   

I always planned to pause my IUI tries in March because I didn’t want my child to have a birthday that was too close to Christmas which meant I was a free agent until mid-April at the earliest. Given I was going to have a one month pause anyways, I thought I’d reactivate my good ol’ Tinder account on the off chance I’d swipe right on someone amazing. Having spent years on the apps I wasn’t expecting much, especially in a pandemic.   

But then the unexpected happened and I matched with someone I’d definitely want to pursue under normal circumstances. Which left me with a choice. Venture into the unknown and potentially pause my fertility treatments to give a new relationship a chance or stick to my plans and head back to the clinic in April.   

I figured there was no harm going on a few dates since most of them were virtual or at a distance anyways. But March turned into April without me having a clear idea of what to do and the clock was ticking. Decisions, decisions. So, I wanted to share my thought process in case anyone else finds themselves weighing similar the options. Here’s my advice.

Tips for taking a break or trying to date 

1. Decide on your own timeline: First up, I’d recommend having a hard think about what a realistic timeline to a child is and how a relationship, or chance at one, could impact that. For me, I was actively trying when I hit pause. But given my test results and age, I figured I could afford to give a new relationship a year to a year and a half before I’d need to start trying again. I thought that would give us enough time to see what the possibilities were without putting too much pressure on the relationship. Which brings me to the next point. 

    

2. Your biology is not a new partner’s issue: One thing I decided on right away was I didn’t want my ticking clock to screw with a new relationship’s natural timeline. It’s not fair to expect a new partner to be onboard with trying for kids after 6 months, for example. And honestly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable tying my future kids to someone I’d only known for such a little time anyways. Once I had figured out what sort of time I could afford to give to a relationship, I stopped thinking about fertility and focused on getting to know my new partner instead. However, that said, you still want to be honest about your goals. 

    

3. Communicate hard limits upfront: A stranger does not need to know your personal medical decisions. That said, you also don’t want to lie to a partner. I decided I’d have a conversation with him about my fertility journey if we made it to the 6-month mark (UPDATE: We didn’t, lol.) and I trusted him enough to have such a personal conversation. Before that, my medical decisions were no one’s business but my own. I did, however, want to be very clear about my feelings about kids so there were no surprises for either of us.  

   On our second or third date we had a conversation about whether we wanted kids and I made it clear they were a non-negotiable issue for me and given my age, I didn’t have the same time luxury someone in their twenties would. My partner, being of a similar age, wasn’t surprised and onboard with the idea of kids if the relationship developed to that level of commitment. After that, there was really nothing more that needed to be said about it.   

4. Explore your options: Pushing pause, for any reason, can be a hard decision. Make sure you’re informed about what a pause might mean to your fertility goals and check with your doctor to see how long you can safely put your plans on hold. If you need to buy time, freezing your eggs might be a viable solution if you’re uncertain how long you can wait or how lengthy a pause could be. I didn’t end up going the egg freezing route (or at least not yet) but if you’re considering it, here’s some information to get you started.  

    

5. Be ok with your own decision: For better or worse, you’re making a choice that could drastically impact the course of your life. For me, I decided I’d regret not taking the chance to see the potential relationship through. If it didn’t work, I’d likely only be delayed a few months and my tests looked like I could support that pause. If it did work out, then I might have found someone to share my life with. Bonus, right? The trade off was worth it for me so that I’d never look back and wonder what could have happened if I’d chosen to delay.   

It's certainly a bit of mental gymnastics to go from thinking about donors, blood tests, and cycle monitoring to thinking about the best restaurants to hit on a Friday night. Dating and fertility treatments don’t have to be mutually exclusive either. Talk to your partner in whatever way you feel most comfortable about and take his or her input into account. If he’s a great guy who doesn’t want kids, you have some decisions to make. Even someone who wants kids tomorrow can be complicated as you must weigh sharing your parental rights with someone you might not know very well. When you have the ability to be a single mom by choice, you have to ask yourself, how much control are you willing to give up in order to have a partner? Sometimes the trade off isn’t worth it and sometimes it is.   

Bottom line, figure out what your own limits are first and one way or another, commit to your decision. If you want to try for a relationship, then go all in and let the chips fall where they may.