Facing multiple negative pregnancy tests

If you’re starting to get into the rounds of multiple disappointments, my heart goes out to you. Remember, you’re not alone. Many women have to try multiple times before they get that positive test good news and I’m no different either.  

After my first IUI try, I was so excited to see a positive pregnancy test. There was no doubt in my mind everything would work out as smoothly as I’d planned it all. I could see it all unfolding in my head like a movie. I’d even ordered a maternity bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding in the summer. And when that test was negative it was gutting.  

It’s very hard to put into words what that disappointment feels like. It's so visceral. And personal. You feel like you did something wrong or like your body isn’t functioning the way it should be. The way you want it to. I’m lucky enough to have a great support system and I felt like I'd failed when I got my first negative test.  

But what’s a woman to do, eh? I cried (a lot). I ate chocolate. I drank a very nice bottle of red wine. And I told myself this was just a bump in the road. Time to reset and try again.  

So that’s what I did. Again my clinic and I timed my cycle and got me ready for IUI try #2. Again I went took the trigger shot and again I went in to the doctor’s to use my second sperm sample in hopes this one would take.  

Again I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling as my timer counted down from 10 minutes. I actually waited even longer this time as if that was the missing key to the puzzle.  

And then I waited. It was another two weeks of giddy excitement but this time, I knew what a negative test felt like and I really didn’t want to feel it again.  

When the day of the blood test came I said all the right words about being hopeful, but inside again I knew what the test would show. I was positive I wasn’t pregnant and sure enough, I got the awful faux sympathy phone call from the nurse telling me the news. I was right. My second round had failed.  

This time, it was expected but no less sad. Again I cried and ate chocolate and wine with my sister. I’d been so sure I had no fertility issues other than age I didn’t understand why this wasn’t working.  

So let’s talk about the odds because my clinic gave me false information about how easy IUI would be and it got my hopes up in a way I would have been able to control had I actually known the success rates I was facing.  

Pregnancy odds 

Natural pregnancy: If you’re just trying naturally with your partner, what are your odds of getting pregnant each month? At 30 years old, they’re about 20%. At 35, that number drops to about 15%. At 40, you’re looking at about 5%.  

IUI pregnancy: If you’re trying with the help of IUI, what do your odds look like? For a woman under 35, they tend to hover around 10-20% per try, decreasing with age. For a woman over 40, that drops to 2-5%. At 35, I was told my odds were under 10%. HOWEVER, IUI chances of pregnancy increase with each successive round you do. Most clinics recommend stopping IUI after 3-4 unsuccessful tries. By then, your odds should have increased anywhere between 30-60% if you’re doing back-to-back months.  

Meaning if this is your chosen route and you have the time, stick with those negative pregnancy tests. They may mean your next month has a better chance at working.  

IVF pregnancy: If you’re trying to get pregnancy with IVF, the odds of a positive test on your first round of egg retrieval is 53.9% if you’re under 35. That drops to 26-40.2% if you’re over 35 and 3.9-12.6% if you’re over 41.  

Now keep in mind, those are positive pregnancy test numbers. I was told the odds of a live birth with IVF after 35 was around 15-17% which seems to line up with other research.  

What does that mean? 

Depending on what age you get started, ask your doctor about their success rates and the odds of whatever treatment plan you’re doing. And remember, those odds are going to vary depending on your personal situation. I had no fertility issues other than my age and still had back-to-back negative tests. Other women turn to these interventions because of PCOS or other concerns which can increase their difficulty getting pregnant. Some will have trouble because of the age. Others might have blockages in their Fallopian tubes. There are many, many reasons a woman might run into fertility issues through no fault of her own and it’s important to remember that. Everyone’s body works differently and everyone’s fertility path will be unique to them.  

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that this process is a marathon not a sprint. Negative tests can be crushing and you might find you need to take a break to pause during your treatments. You might even decide you’re done and that’s ok. Do whatever you need to in order to cope and find a healthy way to be ok with your disappointments. Negative tests suck and I won’t pretend they don't. I’ve been through it twice now and active dread seeing the result again. For me, I think I’ll take a break before getting back on the horse.  

To all those peeing on sticks and getting nowhere, it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. This process is not for the faint of heart. Reach out to your support team and talk to your care providers. Then make plans that work for you. And from one disappointed woman to another, you’re not alone.