Reading “the rise of lonely, single men” as a woman who opted out of the dating world

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Everyone seems to be talking about one article this week, Psychology Today’s “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men.” Quite the title, eh?

This isn’t my regular subject matter, but as a woman who picked a path that led away from the traditional dating world, I found it an interesting take.

Odds are (unless you’ve been living under a rock) you’ve probably already read the article or caught a news story on it, but the crux of the story is that the relationship landscape is changing and as a result, many men are finding themselves without a partner even though they’d like one. The article, written by psychologist Greg Matos, attributes this shift to three things: dating apps, relationship standards, and skills deficits.

With the rise of dating apps, women have more options than ever before with 62% of users being male. Because of this, women are becoming more selective and “prefer men who are emotionally available, who are good communicators, and who share their values.” I mean, knock me over with a feather, would ya?

This change is uncovering what Matos calls skills deficits such as poor communication skills or a lack of emotional connection and points out, I’d argue rightfully so, that these are traits that we’re still not consistently teaching young boys.

Now, personally I don’t think men are solely to blame for the strange new way we all seem to be dating these days. I mean, I myself have ghosted and been ghosted for what seems like no real reason other than the ever-cyclical quest to “find someone better” on the apps. But as a woman who has opted out of the dating world now, I found the conversations generated by this article very interesting indeed.

We seem to be moving further away from the days where women were just expected to “settle,” which I’m all for as that was popular advice I’ve received myself. Responding to that advice with the simple question, “Why?”, always left people searching for words. With the rise in career opportunities, education, and shifting cultural norms, women are in a unique position we haven’t been in generations past. Gone are the times where women needed a man to provide for them. Now we can do that ourselves. Which means different skills need to be brought to the dating table when both parties are equally self-sufficient.

When I was in the dating game, I can’t count the number of times it fell to me to carry the conversation. Or how many times I felt pressured to smile at bad jokes or off-colour remarks. Now that’s not to say there aren’t great dating prospects on the apps. If you’ve been following my story, you’ll know I found one myself a year ago. But it took years of bad dates to get that far.

As someone now on the outside of the dating world, I can very honestly say I don’t miss the grind at all. I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends that provide emotional support and interpersonal connection. I don’t feel lonely having chosen the path I’m on, knowing it might make finding a long-term partner much harder or even impossible down the road. Now, my decisions weren’t based on getting fed up with the apps, of course, it was more about timing, medical results, and a real desire to take my life in a different direction, but I have to say, the end of dating was a refreshing bonus to my current solo momming path.

This article makes me wonder if more women are choosing to simply opt out, as I did. Alternative families are becoming more normalized and increasingly people are calling out toxic behaviour that has no place in a healthy relationship, regardless of which gender it comes from.

We only need to look online at popular social channels like SheRatesDogs to see examples of just how toxic the online dating world can be. And then people wonder why women are less and less enthused about the entire prospect of dates.

I don’t think Matos got everything right in his article and I feel for the guys who were never taught the communication skills they need now, but I do think it creates a place for interesting discussions to happen. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there are studies that show single, childless women are the happiest people out there. Nor am I surprised that the reaction to Matos’ article is women shrugging and going “well duh” while men have bombarded him with hate mail.

I find myself wondering what will happen in 5 or 10 more years of app dating culture. Perhaps we will see a shift in both genders as we all learn to connect together in more healthy ways. Or perhaps this solo mom journey I’m on will start being a more popular choice.

As someone with no real skin in this game anymore, I’m content to sit back and watch how things unfold. Maybe by the time I’m ready to dip my toe back in the dating world, things will have changed for the better for everyone involved. Or maybe not.