I thought I was well prepared to have a baby. When you’re doing months of fertility treatments, your thoughts focus on success. Successfully growing eggs. Successfully having them harvested. Successfully implanting an embryo. You live in a very narrow world that can crush or elate you at any time.

Then the stick turns blue and your focus shifts. Now it’s about staying pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. You think about your diet and what you need to provide your fetus so it will grow big and strong. Your body changes and your back aches and while the idea of a baby is getting more real, you’re tired or nauseous or making a nursery. There is always something else to think about.

But then it happens. You hold your new baby in your arms and suddenly everything is real.

Some women feel a magical connection the second they touch their newborns. Others report it taking weeks or even months to feel a bond. It’s different for everyone.

Then you take them home and now after those years of build up, you’re where you always wanted to be. Alone with an infant.

And let me tell you things get real very, very fast.  

So here are some thoughts that crossed my mind adapting to motherhood. Maybe some of them will seem familiar to you too.

 What you think about as a single mom

 “How the hell do I keep this tiny life alive?”

I’m sure every parent regardless of whether you’re doing it alone or not thinks this at some point. It’s terrifying when you finally get home and you’re left alone with your baby. I was so afraid I didn’t know enough, hadn’t read enough, hadn’t prepared enough to keep him safe. Plus I was recovering from a very traumatic birth so we lived on my bed for the first few weeks. I’d stare at him wondering if I was doing things right and wanting so much to be the mom he deserved.

“It’d be really nice to have someone else change a diaper.”

Honestly, diapers aren’t as gross as you think they’re going to be. You get desensitized right quick. Still, in the middle of the night, changing my 100th diaper the thought has crossed my mind that it would be nice to have someone to share some of the load. Some to get the baby when he cries or do the middle of the night diaper change. Being the only one responding to every need isn’t easy, especially when the sleep deprivation kicks into gear.

“Will I ever go to a restaurant again?”

I love being a mom, but I have thought about all the things I won’t be able to do for a while. Other moms can have their partner’s watch the baby while they get a break here and there. That’s not a thing when you’re the solo parent. Family support can be so helpful in terms of asking for babysitting to go to a doctor’s appointment or something. But having an evening off, getting a drink with a friend, those dreams are far, far away. It’s a lot to give up for your little boo.

“Did I do the right thing?”

Again, probably every parent has wondered this in the dead of night when the baby has been screaming for hours. Thinking about your life before having a baby is like thinking about another person. You will never be that woman again. The carefree one who dances till dawn or grabs a back pack and capitalizes on that great airfare deal. I can’t even have a normal conversation anymore since all I do is think, read, and dream about babies. Still, as hard as it is, seeing my little one smile or reach for me makes it all worth it.

“Will my baby resent not having a father when they’re old enough to understand?”

I wonder, and worry, about this a lot. My son is happy and healthy. But when he’s old enough to understand what a dad is, will he be upset not to have one? Will he see his cousin hugging his father and feel left out? I plan to love him enough for two people, but what will that look like to my son? I worry other kids will tease him. That he’ll be isolated dealing with the realities of being a boy in our society in ways I might not understand. I might not know how to deal with this thought for a long time. I just hope at the end of the day, my son will never doubt how much he was wanted and how much he is loved.

“Should I go back to work or stay with my baby longer?”

When you’re the sole breadwinner, money is a key topic. One thing I think about often is the balance between restarting my career so we’re taken care of in the future and staying with my baby longer so he has a secure attachment and strong foundation to build from as he grows. As a single mom, I can’t do it all. So how do you decide where your time is best spent? Especially when all you want to do is be with your little one.

What do you think about?

These are some of the thoughts that have been top of mind for me as a single mom by choice. Are there any I’ve missed? What keeps you up at night when you have a sleepy newborn nuzzling you in your arms?