Dealing with judgment
Photo by Andrea De Santis on Unsplash
Once you start telling people in your life you’re on a non-traditional path to motherhood you are going to get some questions. Probably a little more than some. Really all. You’re going to get all the questions. People will be curious and some may have strong opinions. Others might want to support you but wonder if you’re making the right choice. It can be hard for them to know what to ask, and what not to, so when the prying, judgey questions or comments start coming your way, think about what to say in advance. Here’s a few I faced to help you know what to be prepared for:
1) You’re too picky. Can’t you just give a guy a chance?: Mmm, screw that. No seriously. Hard stop, there’s the door. Why should I “give a guy a chance” when I’m in a position to have the family I want in the way I want without him? The idea that it’s better to have a child with the wrong person than to provide a happy home with one parent is very, very dated. I’m not at this point because no one swiped right. I did the dating thing and didn’t find anyone I trusted or liked enough to procreate with. Honestly, the dating horror stories I could share. Urgh. Why would I want to be with someone I didn’t want or love, and tie a child to that man, when there’s another choice? Alone is far, far preferable. I’m here because I have a clear view of how I want to be a parent and at the moment, that doesn’t include another person. Done.
2) You can’t raise a kid alone: Yes, you can. Of course you can. Sure, it’s going to be HARD. Being a solo parent isn’t a simple prospect. No one is doing this without considering all their options. But there are single parents doing outstanding jobs all over the place. The path is a rougher one, but sometimes raising a kid alone is better than raising it with the wrong person. Or waiting too long and missing the chance all together.
3) I think you’re making a mistake: I mean…yeah, you might be right. Fair enough. This is a hard one to answer because it’s such a personal choice to become a mom alone and such a life changing one. From this one decision your life can split in many different ways. People will have very sound logic for why this is or isn’t a good idea. This is where talking to a fertility counsellor can come in handy because at the end of the day, all that matters is if you think it’s the right choice for you.
4) Why don’t you adopt?: Adoption is always something to consider, especially if you’re at the point where your fertility is in question. But adoption isn’t the simple answer many people think it is. In Ontario, adoption is incredibly difficult if not impossible for a single parent. International adoption is always on the table but many of those services are wildly expensive and sometimes they’re not always above board. Adoption is a possible and viable solution to infertility, but be aware of the uphill battle you might face trying to do it alone.
5) Give it a few more years. You might meet the man of your dreams: Sure, I might. But waiting for Prince Charming might also cost me my last fertile years. For me, I decided I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be a wife. And that’s not the same decision everyone will make. But I didn’t want to risk never having biological children on the off chance of meeting some phantom future partner who would sweep me off my feet. Especially since he’s taken his sweet ass time showing up in my life thus far. After years of dating, I didn’t want to push my luck too far and find out I’d missed my window to have a child.
6) Kids are expensive. Do you really need them?: Again, you’ve got me. They really are. And doing it alone adds to the cost. But like everything in life, you just have to decide if it’s worth it for you. Having a child alone will fundamentally alter my life. But if I’m faced with the choice of a hard life with a child vs a fancy life always regretting not having kids, well that’s an easy trade-off for me.
Honestly, this is a super personal decision to make and once you make it, you’re out in the wilderness on your own. I’m lucky enough to have great supporting friends and family around me but at the end of the day, it comes down to my own decisions and what direction I want for my life. Have a hard think about what’s right for you and if you decide it’s moving forward, then tell the nay-sayers in your life to jump off the nearest cliff. You’re the only one who can decide what’s best for you and no one else has the right to tell you differently.