What it’s like going through IVF alone
Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash
When you’re choosing to be a single mom by choice, you have to get used to doing things on your own. Because I have no other frame of reference, it’s hard to imagine if the IVF process would have been easier or harder to do with a partner. I can identify, at least, the points where I think it might have made a difference for better or worse.
I would say IVF under any circumstances is hard and I don’t necessarily think being a singleton made it any worse. However, here are my pros and cons of going through this experience by yourself.
The pros of doing IVF alone
No one to kill: While pumping crazy quantities of drugs and hormones into your body, it’s rather nice not to have an easy target to tear into. Some women have a harder time riding the dragon than others and your tolerance for fools goes over a cliff. I was grateful not to have anyone in my path I could easily sink my claws into. I imagine this process is hard on couples when the one getting the injections is ready to draw blood over something like the dishes still being in the sink.
No other opinion to consider: It’s kind of nice being able to make all the choices yourself. When you’re going to try. How you’re going to try. What clinic or doctor to use. You don’t have to worry about anyone else when you make big decisions about your future.
Pain management: Honestly, I don’t know how women with partners manage to sleep in the same bed as their loved one (or do anything else, for that matter) when your body feels like a war zone. I was very grateful to have the full bed to myself and my beloved body pillows. If someone had accidentally touched my thighs during the night, for example, I would have been shot through with excruciating pain at certain points of this process.
The cons of doing IVF alone
No input: While it’s nice to make some choices for yourself, there are definitely times when having someone else as a sounding board would have been helpful. Moreso for the big, existential questions. Often, I’d lie awake at night wondering if I was making the right choice. All this time, money, and energy could be going into something else. Maybe if I waited a year, I’d meet Mr. Right. What if having kids ruined my life? What if I was making a mistake I’d never be able to come back from? As I’ve said before, the goblins in your head are real and they can be vicious when you’re alone.
One of my wonderful, happily coupled friends told me something really useful, though. She said, while bouncing a beautiful baby in her arms, that no mother is ever 100% certain about kids and if you wait for that level of certainty, or the famed “perfect time,” you’ll wait your whole life. There are always doubts and what ifs. It’s just a matter of getting to the point where you’re ready to jump. Don’t aim for total conviction. Aim for 80% and go from there.
That really helped take the pressure off since I was pretty certain this was what I wanted but not 100%. I think with another person to talk to about this stuff in the dead of night, some of those worries would have been easier to alleviate and quicker to put to bed.
Cost sharing: This one is definitely more practical than romantic, but let’s be real, IVF is pricey. A partner would help you split the cost so you weren’t draining your savings, especially if multiple rounds were needed. I was lucky to benefit from both a government subsidy and only needing one round, but I can easily see how the dollar signs would fly for someone dealing with heavy infertility issues alone.
Dealing with doctors: It doesn’t matter how many times you say “I’m doing this alone,” your medical team will ask you EVERY TIME where your husband is. At least the more progressive ones will say partner.
I was often reminded that the father/partner side of my medical forms were blank and asked was that on purpose. “Yes, duh,” I’d respond. I was often asked if my husband would be joining me for my blood tests or ultrasounds. “Not unless he’s invisible,” I’d reply. I was often questioned about who’s sperm I was using. “Beats me,” I’d say. “I can send you the link.”
The medical field is not used to dealing with a woman going through the process alone so that annoyance was constant, if low level. Just something to be aware of.
Handling needles: When you get to the point of daily injections in the backs of your upper thighs, it would REALLY be handy to have someone else doing them. As it was, I had to turn into a Cirque du Soleil contortionist to get my needles where they needed to go. Even now I wonder if part of my pain was from me not being able to inject myself correctly alone.
Comfort: I imagine it would be nice to have someone there just to share the emotional load. You go through every feeling under the sun, doing IVF, and as a singleton, there aren’t a lot of options for talking that out. A therapist or a support network can be a great thing to fill this particular gap.
So all in all…
There you go, my list of pros and cons. While my cons list is larger, I would say I didn’t really notice a lot of them until I stopped to write them down. This is absolutely something you can do by yourself and I’d say while I sometimes saw what I assume were partners in the clinic, more often than not it was just the women doing the treatments who were in the waiting room. Even with a husband or partner, so much of this process is a solo journey it doesn’t really feel like you’re missing out on much.