Deciding on becoming a mom the way I have hasn’t been an easy or straight-forward path. I thought it might be helpful to breakdown some of the costs associated with choosing to go the non-traditional route.

Upfront I’ll say, despite some heavy costs I do not regret my decision. I’m mere weeks away from meeting my little guy and feel calm and happy at the adventure that lies before me. However, this path isn’t the right fit for everyone so you should know all the ins and outs before you start going down it.

 

The financial costs

Let’s start with the easiest one to think about. Money.

Depending on the level of intervention you’ll require, the financial costs can be smaller or larger, but either way, they’re real. I’ll breakdown some of the monetary costs I faced along the way.

Sperm samples: My donor was about $1,000 per “vial.” You can get cheaper donors and there are also more expensive ones depending on what you’re looking for. I bought my vials in a bundle deal that was buy 5 get a 6th free plus a year of free storage. That set me back about $5,000 total.

Sperm storage: After that first year I had included in my package, keeping my remaining vials stored is about $500 a year. Why would you keep your extras (if you have them) after getting pregnant? I want to have mine for a few more years in case I want a second child and want my kids to be genetic siblings. You can’t always predict if a donor will still be around by the time you’re ready to try again so I wanted to be covered just in case.

IUI attempts: Each time I tried IUI it cost me about $1,000. $500 was a hidden fee to “wash” my already pre-washed sperm sample and the remaining went to the trigger shot and to the progesterone support you use for two weeks after your implantation. I did this twice.

IVF round: My first and only IVF round was with the help of government funding which likely saved me somewhere around $7,500-10,000. My medication cost me around $10,000 (including the progesterone shots post implantation) and the fees and extras required with IVF cost about $2,500. All in, I estimate I spent about $12,500 on my IVF attempt.

I did not opt for PGT-A testing which is a genetic screen for 8 embryos that would have been $3,500. As I only had 2 embryos that survived, I was ready to use them either way.

Embryo storage: Like the sperm storage, it costs about $500 a year to store my remaining embryo. Again, I’m doing this in case I want a second child that will be a genetic sibling.

Other costs: Beyond the medical costs, you should also consider everything you’ll need for the baby. Clothes, furniture, gadgets, bedding, toys, books, tools, everything will set you back. Depending on whether you opt to buy new or used baby items this can vary how expensive it is to prepare. I’d estimate a couple thousand to get you well set up.

Beyond birth: I don’t know what having a baby will cost once it’s here, but no one ever says having a baby is cheap.

The physical costs

Ok let’s move on to some more abstract costs. Next up is the physical costs to your body. As you can see in the top image of this blog, you put your body through a lot to have a baby alone.

IVF is not for the faint of heart. For me, it meant 3 needles a day for a month. Once my implantation had been done, it was an incredibly painful progesterone shot once a day for 12 weeks.

You are pumping your body full of hormones it’s not meant to have at such high doses. That can mess with your mind and how you live your life the weeks or months you’re on your medications. It can also physically hurt you as you’ll have bruising, pain, and other side effects to contend with. Headaches, nausea, joint aches, feelings of rage, shortness of temper, pain moving were all things I experienced.

And then there’s the physical changes to your body once you are pregnant. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have a smooth pregnancy so my changes were pretty limited to about a 30-pound weight gain in my stomach and thighs and a few small stretch marks. However, other women report swelling in their legs and ankles, weight gain in the face or other parts of their body beyond their stomach, terrible nausea, teeth problems, skin issues, varicose veins, and the list goes on.

Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart.

 

The mental costs

Moving away from the costs you can see, there’s also the ones you can’t.

There have definitely been some extreme mental gymnastics that go along with deciding on this course of action. I’d love to say you’re committed and remain firm once you make up your mind, but it’s just not true. I wavered. I took breaks. I went back and forth. I stayed up at night wondering if this was the right path. Even on my implantation day, I lay there and wondered if I was making the right choice.

Anxiety is real and it can be a beast when it gets it’s hooks in you. If you find yourself feeling everything under the sun and thinking every good and bad thought out there, you’re not alone. This isn’t a straightforward decision and often feels like leaping off a cliff without knowing what’s below you. All I can say is talk to your support team and give yourself time to process what you’re about to do. You can stop at any time and there’s no shame in changing your mind.

For me, this was absolutely the right call. But I never got higher than being about 80% certain of my decision when I was making it.

 

The emotional or relationship costs

Some women choose to date throughout their pregnancy and even find long term partners while they’re in the process of having their children the way they want. More power to them, I say. For me, dating while pregnant felt too weird and I opted to stop around 2 months in.

I did, however, date throughout my fertility treatments and even that seemed a little weird to me personally. I took breaks when the injections got bad enough that I was in pain or very bruised as I didn’t want to answer questions about my medical situation.

Everyone is different, though, so you have to decide what’s most comfortable for you. For me, the decision to stop dating completely was an easy one to make. I was tired of the dating world and the app culture and ready to done with it all, at least for the time being. Will I try to date again in the future? Probably. But it’s not something I’ve missed AT ALL along this process. I actually thought this decision to spin out into what may be a solo life would be harder than it was.

Some women try to go through this all with a partner who is not involved (ie still using a donor). I think that would be very difficult to do, so if that’s the situation you find yourself in, just be aware of what the stress and pressure of this process may do to a relationship and talk about things with your partner.

Talking in general is just a good way of keeping your head on straight when everything starts becoming overwhelming. Whether that’s a family member, friend, or therapist, this process is a lot and it can be helpful to get an outside opinion on what’s happening.

At the end of the day, you’re doing this alone

No one can make these choices except you. You might have the best support network out there, but it all comes down to your body, your life, and your dream. Only you can decide whether that’s worth the costs or not.